Vegetarian Woman At Sushi Bar Shocked By Scientist Who Tells Her “Fish Count”
“My two greatest loves in life are eating salmon avocado rolls and feeling morally superior to most everyone around me,” explains Becca Sayers-Laserwaithe. “Becoming a vegetarian felt like an obvious way to come to the literal table standing on higher moral ground than 96.6% of the rest of the country.”
Wildlife Biologist Fatima Al-Jawri was seated next to Becca at the sushi bar and couldn’t help but overhear Becca complaining about a recent Tinder date at a Brazilian Churrascaria that left her emotionally unravelled. “She was proclaiming horror that a date would take her to a place that served meat all while shoveling mouthfuls of fluke and fish eggs,” said Al-Jawri. “I just covered my mouth, stooped under the table and yelled ‘HEY, ASSHOLE. FISH ARE ANIMALS TOO.“
Al-Jawri went on to say “She had no idea who screamed it, but when everyone in the restaurant started clapping, I raised my hand and just said ‘yeah, I said it.’ . . . Pardon my French, but as a wildlife biologist, I just can’t help but take umbrage with anyone who wants to fuck with Carl Linneus. I just kept thinking ‘is this mouthy Millennial seriously trying to reconfigure binomial nomenclature? I can’t not say something when I overhear someone who looks like they work in PR take a turd on Taxonomy. Fish and mammals all fall into the animal kingdom. Don’t act like you deserve a reward just because you’re too snobby to chomp on a chicken wing.”
The two were dining at the bar of famed omakase restaurant Tatsu Nakazawa, where other customers became visibly disgruntled having to stomach Sayers-Laserwaithe’s self-righteous monologuing as she indulged in an all animal dinner. Server Kenzo Masaharu weighed in saying “Vegetarians make lifestyle choices that prevent them from eating 90% of the actually good food served around the world. It makes sense to claim to be better than people when you know down deep most of what you’re eating tastes like wood chips. So-called pescatarians are a totally different breed. . . I can’t tell you the number of times, I’ve wanted to have a ‘drumsticks only’ dinner party, only to have to triple my budget because there’s a pescatarian on the invite list. I’ve had enough.”
Sayers-Laserwaithe opted to leave the restaurant mid-omakase rather than feel the hot heat of having to own up to her status as a member of the standard, run of the mill, omnivorous world. She took the rote route of being a dog lover who then discovered that pigs are more intelligent than dogs, and then snowballing from there.
When further pressed, Sayers-Laserwaithe finally admitted “I only feel compassion for furry things that blink. You should thank god that I’m a Democrat because I’m just the type of person that needs to go on and on and about something.“
